Once he was done with his speech, I told him that I was sorry and yes, he got me for not paying taxes on my business. He asked the name of it, I said... Suburban Flying Carpets Inc. He asked what we do, I said that we manufacture and sell flying carpets of course! He was writing this stuff down! He said that he would be able to give me an extension on a past due amount of $22,990.00 until the end of the year if I send him $495.00 via western union. I told him that his offer sounded fair as didn't need any trouble. He agreed that this is a serious situation. However I had to tell him that I can't use western union but I would be happy to clip the payment (in cash of course) to one of our upgraded International Model flying carpets and send it right over if he could provide me with an address. He didn't understand this at all. I then told him that we used to do it with carrier pigeons but they kept getting lost at sea and presumed dead once we hooked the water supply to them to give them something to drink for the 3000 mile journey to Timbuktu (or where ever they are located overseas). So we are using our own products to get the payment to him since we use it to transport all sorts of things and people. We also find it a lot faster since it will only take a month of Sundays to get the payment to them rather than not being able to give them any time frame when the poor little pigeons don't show up and presumably drown with the $495.00 in cash on them. I said surely you can see the benefit here can't you? He agreed (of course). This guy sounds like he was already piloting one of these carpets by the way! Sounded like something out of a Simpsons cartoon! So I asked him if he would talk to his supervisor and get the ok to give me the address to send the payment to and I will dispatch the carpet right away. He said that was kind of me and to please hold. As he dropped the phone a couple times and yelled to the "boys in the back of the room" in some incoherent language, he came back and apologized that his supervisors wouldn't allow anything except Western Union. I then said that we are going to have a problem Mel, if I can call you Mel? (He said sure). I told him that I was sorry and that I must admit something to him and to please not get mad at me. He said "Sir, we are the IRS, we don't get mad at anyone". I said...Well I didn't want to tell you this since I didn't want you to think bad of me but sending anything Western Union can not be done! He asked why not? I explained that it was a cold day in December of 92 and I was running late for work (for the 30th or 40th time that year) and that I was a crane operator at the time. I was warned about being late again or I could be fired from work. Mel interrupted me and asked in a rather stern voice... "Sir ...what does your job and being late have to do with you not being able to send a payment that will keep you out of prison!?!!?" I said again....Mel....May I call you Mel? He said " YES YES, you already asked that and I said ok!" I then said...thanks, I like to be on a casual basis when I am talking to officers of the Great Nation of the United States of America! I find it makes both parties a lot more at ease when talking about pressing matters. Don't you agree? He said "Absolutely". I then went back to my story and said that back in 92, when I was late again, at no fault of my own since it was a raging snow storm down here in Boca Raton and yes, I was guilty of being late once again, that I was indeed brought before the Union (local 896.2) and was terminated from all dealings with the Union and that I will be barred from being able to use the Union services ever again! At this point Mel was getting rather upset and told me that it's not the same Union and that Western Union was a payment service and not a employment union! He was also speaking in a "terrorist tongue" to someone else. One I heard him say that it was a payment service, I told him I was relieved since I heard the unions were all powerful and I didn't want them sending out someone or having strange calls from overseas people that are hard to understand are always asking for money from us poor working types and wanting money to be transmitted by services that can't be traced since these unions are real scum if you know what I mean. Do ya Mel? In a raised voice he said... Yes Yes, I understand. But that's not going to stop the IRS from arresting you if you don't pay the balance in full or the 495.00 extension! However Mel, may I call you Mel? (He was screaming at this point, all out carpet pilot lingo. Combo Terrorist East Indian and Pakistani!) He said this is my last chance!!!! I said....OK OK you got me! I will pay right now! He then asked as a backup and to make sure that I would send the payment and that he would call back for the Money Transmitting Number (MTN) (to get the payment anywhere in the world of course) in 10 minutes. I said fine. It will be done by the will of Allah!
So. about 12 mins later he calls back and says his name again. He said...ok whats the MTN number. I mumbled into the phone. He said he didn't catch that and do say it again. I mumbled again. He said he is having problems hearing me. I said....Mel, May I call you Mel? He said..for the 50th time, YES you may and you have been! I said put the phone close to his ear and let me know when it's as tight against his ear as he can get it since we are obviously having issues here and I didn't want to waste my time sending $495.00 to someone that can't hear the code to get the payment! He said, ok it's tight against my ear now. I said...Oh, Mel, Can you answer one last question for me? He said sure, anything...I just have other calls to make today and have to finish this already with you. I said I can appreciate that. So asked him...What's the last sound that a Sardine hears before they close the can? He said...I have no idea, what's the MTN? I then said "Click" and hung up the phone on him!
Needless to say...I doubt he will be calling me back anytime this millennium!!!! ROFL!!!!!
Pretty good. Keeps them on the line for as long as possible. Pretend to listen to them and then everyonce in a while, interspace lines of nonsense. Good.
That is by far the best one yet and it could only have been better to listen live with a bowl of popcorn! You sir, get the Wednesday Creativity Award and just maybe should publish this one in a magazine. LOL!