There, I posted the important part nice and big. :)
Received two text messages from [long number]@[marketing website] on my phone this afternoon instructing me to contact account services at 206-203-5621. After the second text, I decided to call the number and see what's up. An automated message answered, informing me that my prepaid card (that I do not own) has been temporarily disabled due to a technical error; it wanted my 9-digit SSN to confirm my identity.
HAHAHA NO.
I'll update this post again with more information if I receive another message.